When I was little I looked up to families that communicated and listened to each other. Since then I now understand, we all do what we can with what we have, but I didn't know how immensely damaging blame, ridicule, judgement, playing games or using avoidance as a means to control really is..to ourselves and to others.
I had a roof over my head and food in my belly but I was starving emotionally and spiritually. After some time being on my own I started to feel very lonely, insecure and eventually angry. I felt I constantly needed to defend myself and I rarely felt safe in my relationships and did not trust anyone, or myself for that matter. I was trapped in my own skin.
When I finally accepted that my family did what they could with what they had, I went out looking for a tribe that could give me what I so desperately needed but of course that didn’t quite work out either... The only family I can rely on and trust, is the strong, loving family I have inside of myself, and our powerful giving nature we are living in.
For some, family means we always stick together no matter what and it’s expected to sacrifice ourselves to each other, or saying; “I do anything for my family” but the feeling of joy and peace might not always be present in everyone's family. I don't hate my family, in fact love many parts of it, but growing up in my family definitely affected my emotional growth, and I have to admit there were times I felt I might have been better in another family. That might sound harsh but I don’t think so. We can’t feel a connection and get along with everyone, even our family, and sometimes we feel more closeness and connection to people other than our family. Because we have been conditioned as a society to love our parents no matter what, we expect certain things from our family, and when they are not capable of giving what is expected, we perhaps learn to give more of ourselves than we really want to or even can. To survive the feeling of not being able to be ourselves, we then learn to manipulate, try to control or abandon ourselves to gain love and feel validated. Because we are supposed to feel love for our parents we start feeling guilty for feeling the way we do, and slowly shame can start to build up in us, which is detrimental to our life and emotional health. Families that have had unhealthy patterns can be transferred down for generations and the cycle can be very hard to break. When I realized these patterns in my family I had a very strong will to change these patterns in myself so I can feel happier and live authentically with love and meaning instead of pain and suffering. I also didn’t want to pass these patterns and behaviors onto myself or to an already fragmented world. Often we are the most hurtful to our family and I think it’s because we give things of ourselves we don’t want to give, because it’s expected. I think it’s my responsibility as a human to stop these patterns.
So can we relate and even appreciate someone that’s different from us? Even if it’s our family..and do we have to love our family?
I always look at what I can do to make this world a better place. We can maybe look at how some animals are successful at this. Many animals work together, and either accept their differences or remove what’s hurting the group. If they don’t stay in the present they don’t survive. One thing I do know, we always grow and make this world a better place when we connect and communicate with each other, and when we express our truth.
Today’s assignment;
Observe and think about what your role you had in your family, and what positive and negative behaviors have you developed as an adult from your family.
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