Emotional pain is at the root of our tendency to withhold, and this can transfer pain to others. Continuing to transfer our pain to others is not kind nor healthy, instead if we share our pain, we inspire people to heal. Withholding our emotions makes us sick.
The most common form of withholding is what we commonly call "the silent treatment." Withholding encompasses any unwillingness to express our true feelings. It also includes an unwillingness to give support, praise, or positive attention to the people we love, and therefore we become selfish, and when we realize this we feel guilty, and so the cycle goes.. When we feel pain we often express entitlement, as we still feel and see ourselves as a victim. We have all known someone who is impossible to please, manipulative and greedy and we have found ourselves at the other end of silence with no explanation..At the same time, we can also recognize our own tendency to withhold our emotions rather than express them. I have seen both sides of the withholding dilemma. By withholding our feelings we cause tremendous pain to people, sometimes more than we know. It is a dysfunctional pattern that creates a breakdown in communication and understanding, that we all desire, to feel connected in this world.
Also no one deserves to be subjected to withholding. Feeling ignored, disrespected, or shut out, and to not know why, is a terrible feeling. The first thing to remember if this is happening to you, is that you are not to blame. We get caught up in someone else's pain pattern. This person does not know how to express feelings in a healthy way probably because this is what they learned when she or he was a child. The second helpful thing a therapist told me is to remember that the withholder also is acting out of pain. They are stuck in a habitual mode of response that is self-defeating and alienating to the people they love. Remembering this helped me feel compassion for the person hurting me instead. However, if we suffer too long with this pattern, we may need to get some space or remove ourselves until we can handle and move past the victim role. I had this happen in my family where I have to remove myself at times. I also had to take some time to look at my own patterns and understand why I have taken part in this drama. If we are dealing with people in a family situation, we can step up to the plate, to help break the chain of this behavior pattern.
If, on the other hand, it is you that tends to withhold, understand that this is a learned response and I believe anything can be unlearned. Finding safe places to begin to express all that you've been holding back. Begin to make an effort to say what you're feeling and thinking. Give praise to someone you love. The more we do this, the healthier we get to have healthier relationships. What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight, but if we make an effort and have courage to make small steps to change we contribute to the world we live in.
Today’s Assignment:
Speak out how you feel one time today and see how it feels. In the beginning it feels strange but to unlearn something takes time!
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