NEEDS

What are our needs and what do we really want? Do we even know what they are? In order to get what we need, we learn from an early age from our parents we have to manipulate and control in order to get what we need and want. What we think we need and what we want are also two very different things. How often is it we think we need something when it’s only a desire we think we need.. 

There was a time where I didn’t know what I wanted or what I really needed in order to live a balanced and healthy life. I was focused on what others needed because I didn’t really know my own needs, and giving to others was easier than caring or finding out for myself what I needed. I thought If I could focus on other people's needs I didn’t have to think about the lies I was telling myself I thought I needed. 

So how can we separate our desires from our needs then? Or do we have to separate them?

When we were children our needs were basic and we depended on our parents in order to get our needs met. If we were quiet and behaved the way we “suppose to” we get what we want and need. We get rewarded when we do what our parents or adults are asking from us, and get punished or things get taken away if we don’t do as we are told. So we learn needs are not good, unless we behave.. ei. “I’m not good inside”. We only get rewarded when we do what is considered good by society and our parents. So for example when we start realizing we have desires that we can’t ignore, and when they are desires that possibly aren’t considered accepted by the society we try to push that desire away. So we begin to deny parts of ourselves in order to feel accepted by our external “norms”. We develop a self that is not authentic and real and we feel even worse. To ease the suffering of our inner conflicted parts of ourselves, we start finding ways to sooth and hide our true selves, to numb the feeling of pain. The fear of feeling rejected and not “normal” is worse than expressing our needs and our true selves. When I expressed my needs in my home I was either ignored or ridiculed, and thought that it was something fundamentally wrong with me expressing my needs. So I started to always do the best in anything I did. I became a perfectionist, and held my standards to anything very high, not only to people in my life but also to myself. I saw anything else as a weakness. I also developed very high expectations for everything in my life, until one day I realized I’m not superwoman! I can’t be strong all the time! It’s ok to be taken care of sometimes. Most importantly there is nothing wrong with asking for help. I always was proud of being very independent because that’s what society always pushes us to be, but now I like the feeling of dependency sometimes. 

When I started to become conscious of my needs in my life, I saw it’s not much I really need. And with that, what I wanted started to change as well. 

Today’s Assignment:

Start to think of what you really need for yourself today? Try to separate the needs and wants and see how it can help you get more things done.

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